12/04/2025 it is ihinsahane how finicky the mind is. INSANE! iremember i was drawing a bunch getting into GAY GAY sex GAYSEXTALIA and it was like. wow. because fresh out of. this weird teen brain period of time shit where i ekpt trying to mean and mean something and draw beyond and prove my worth(this is what happens when ur out in the wild)(don't drop ur kids in mountains for surivvial)(Didn't happen to me) and i wanted i wanted things to look like something i wanted people to be like you are so SMART you are so GOOD AT MAKING ART that is so LAYERED you are so INTELLIGENT. it was actually ASS and HELL to do because the only way to make things like this is to understand language. it is the only way. you have to take from other people. IT WAS the only way you have to observe and only take markings from other people. Hm maybe not true but this is what it was like for someone inept (ME) and brainfarted braindead dead SHIT(ME). so i was so happy to just draw shit. stupid stupid gay homosex gaysex fandom shit i was elated! everything came from this feverish need to draw. something stupid. something soooo so stupid stupid fandom shit i was happy because i was machinelike.i was in a state of fantasy and dreams and entertainment my sick feverish self watching a STAGEPLAY. but now i'm at a point where i keep sliding back and forth between meaning and shit. why?why is this happening? WHO CARES??????????? why do i want to prove myself again? why does this shit mantter? im fucking drawing america from hetalia so why do i keep trying to care? Yes its because of perception cause i am aware of things. i can never be truly unironic because i am FACCKKKKKKED. im sliding back and forth(doing it). MEANING KILLS? ITS TRUE! LANGUAGE KILLLLLLLLS. i will change my mind later probably. I HAVEN"T HAD MULTIPLE DIARY ENTRIES IN A MONTH IN SO LONG. the message is to YOU ARE GAY /// people who are more on that storytelling shit vs people who are more on that painting shit behave kinda differently it's kinda crayzy i didn't know different mediums were different guys. idk why i focused on style so much when evidently idgaf that much about visual innovation. not like igaf much about story innovation either but like now i can't write#great. well no. Ok. No choice but to learn(hit on the head)(hit on the head)(hit on the head)

03/04/2025 when i was a kid using the internet a lot i kept thinking about how the internet world felt like a different dimension i was accessing through portals(screens). when i turn it off it is accessible somewhere else, because it's another world. i've been thinking that because i keep coming across cryptosomethingsomethingAIartsomethingNFTsomethingsomethings profiles. it's really hard to imagine that the words they're typing are typed by real people. i've had a fascination with airobocomputer characters since i was young, it all feels surreal. there's a difference in feeling for people who grew up on the internet as a secondworld and people who watched it grow from something limited to, the world. somehow i'm linking this to my favorite hetalia character(Somehow)(Somehow). internet and computer is the world moving really fast. people are trying to leave the earth...or something like that...it's a hard to pin down feeling. it's kind of dready. the only time i felt i was pinning it down was a gay little hetalia au i made up that i haven't drawn in months. and i won't. everything the human face is changing, so many things are happening at once. i also hope such things will stay in their own corner (o_o) my own wants is for gay fandom people to keep drawing with their hands and still shun other people and get shunned for use of airobocomputer shit like that, because i want to see the corner im used to for handdrawn things to stay handdrawn. i don't want that feeling to go away and be overtaken. same with fic. it's hard when fandom is mixed with the big big MainWorld of "art" somehow, but still. i want crazy hobbyist things to stay crazy hobbyist. i don't want people to actually become robots even if they already sometimes act like it pleaseplease pleaseee it's hard to hope for from my heart because i don't have faith it will, but i hope it will. keep yelling at each other guys... let's all stay flawed and meaty. i don't want to be a robot yet, i never want to be a robot

01/04/2025 happy april fools