17/02/2025 it's likely, that it'll be true again that i only write diary entries when i'm depressed. recently i feel like there's two paths of art, being the 'intellectual' or the 'emotional'. this is not set in any fact it is all based on my personal feelings and observations. and it's probably not real. 'intellectual' art has the theory behind it, the studyings the thesis and the intent is usually to save the world in some way. not exactly but that's the idea you get. art is a tool to move the world's gears... the idea is art to better the world, a gift to people. the 'emotional' art serves only the artist. has zero concern for anything outside of that, it's akin to digging a wound open with your fingers i think. and it's kind of gross. the goal of the dig is to look for some kind of catharsis in being able to find that feeling and putting it down. if it's not obvious yet i think i indulge so much more in 'emotional' art. it'll always come off cornier and more indulgent and sloppy. i don't even have a good note to end this on because i'm kinda depressed. i feel some kind of religious duty that i should've studied and gotten serious with 'intellectual' art moreso. maybe because in the end i'm actually still in puberty(LOL...OK) but some days i'm very weak mentally to any slights i find. anyways. it's lame that i can only do 'emotional' art. this dichotomy isn't even real i'm just so simpleminded it's easier to express it like this. i could hone my art to an 'intellectual' approach more, but i don't want to. and that makes me feel bad, that i don't want to. in the end maybe i should've just held my art close to myself... it's not like i've ever drawn for anything other than self indulgence. i can't imagine trying to explain myself and my ideas to a group of people and convince them to work with me and make it real. i feel like i talk about it so often but the thought of being involved in an 'art industry' is so harrowing. art is an ineffective way of communication after all. maybe it's actually a punching bag for me. i'm just beating it and puking in it repeatedly.(weakly mental defenses rn) i feel mad again.......... it's a themeless boring meaningless story with vague patterns. i've thought about "Art"Meaning" bullshit for so long now since i was a kid because i couldn't figure out the moral message of some disney film. what the hell. meaningless art still has a feeling? i'm still happy? is it rly so weird. nobody even said anything like that. maybe i always disagreed with those people fundamentally anyways, deep down. people aren't meant to know everyone and be able to see themself at the same time. this is the cause for crazy