13/01/2025 first/// i didn't write a diary entry for december, or christmas or new years. mostly because i've been too facking lazy to turn on the vpn to be able to access neocities. im growing up as in it's my birthday soon! whenever i look at these websites i feel disappointment at how much i've neglected working on them and my characters. but i also kinda don't care. i've accepted my brain is built to work via tunnel vision and there's no other way. speaking of which, i should work soon. as in art for work. as in commissions! people have been asking!!! i've kind of been really fussed about drawing. i've been less consistent than i usually am i think. i wish i could say december i didn't write anything because i was doing okay but i was kind of doing worse. not as bad as some months(embarrassed to read old entries) but--> i've been so fogged with fandom art. it's like a cloud around my head i don't even think about it. (voice of lani crying behind me) where are you... i'm frozen in time...... sorry. if i ever go back to posting oc on twitter i'd probably have to make a new account because i kind of hate my old one? thank you everyone who tolerates how much i move accounts. i am bad with the internet. oh but i don't know if anyone reads these anymore... so my sorrys and thank yous are just one sided thoughts from me. i still want to make matikhluk i'm just onepoint focused 90% of the time. like now with hetalia. (shrug emoticon)
second//// extra entry kind of Um okay i read my old diary entries and i'm a little embarrassed as i always am when i'm not doing so horrible and i have to read whatever i wrote/drew when i was doing really horrible. i'm ok now. but back then i didn't know this but i was doing a weird compulsive isolation where i just spoke to my closefriends very surface level so i didn't get the replenishing human love that humans need. i would say things in hopes it would lead to a feeling of connection but it didn't go there because i wasn't really comprehending any of the words. i'm okay now (kindaaa). well i'm still sludge but i'm a little less sludge i think. so harmonic(opposite to demonic). anyways i was thinking about art when i was made to go to church. yes i feel like i'm close to walloftext ranting again because i don't feel like total shit anymore (smiley face). a lot of relationships are really temporary. that wasn't my train of thought but it is a little in relation. drawing is like language so you can really like and resonate someone's art but really fail with them as a person. it's just obstruction of random emotions that many could feel if it's dug into enough so you can like any art from anyone by pure chance it's a similar feeling. i just thought about it more but it rly is that you can't end emotions. completely uncontrollable and full of tangles. most people can barely see their emotions. i know i cannot! it is rly basic that emotion and logic are foreign but love each other. those who only make room for the rational and not the emotional could die in the winter. but anyways, emotional connection only thru art it's not rly a basis for a relationship. because those need memory. though i don't have experience in relationships on art basis like rly crazy vulnerable i ripped my skin off art. am i still cowardly with my drawings? hoenstly......maybe... i feel like i am. on the other hand there's people i only know from their art and i only meet them from looking at their art and them looking at mine. internet mutuals aren't anything but if i feel like i want to watch someone for a long enough time i start thinking wow it'd be nice to be friends with them. but it feels more like an idea. -->then again starting and building relationships are very tedious and i am just kind of brainless. my favorite thing to believe is whatever happens happens. i haven't wrote an entry this long since september2023 lol... bye