29/09/2023 in 3 days i will be going somewhere... i dont really wanna go... i like spending time with people i know more

20/09/2023 its been 10 days since the last diary entry. lately since ive finished the last comic of my ocs ive been very low energy. anyways, there was an update to hello girl(pic related) visual novel that i really like. it made me want to be close to a girl like that in real life. im trying to talk to a girl, i wont think of romance or platonce or anything like that, if i want to talk to her i will and vice versa... feeling a bit lightheaded. also i made a myanimelist to hopefully keep track of it and also get myself to read the manga or watch the anime ive been meaning to

10/09/2023 deleted 90% of what i wrote for todays diary lul... trying to not rant too much over here. people do read these. i added an image for today. i'll try to make this more of a visual diary instead... i'll keep ranting if i feel like it but today's was just me whining lol.... so im ending it with a lighter note. madomagi new movie trailer dropped, im hoping for the best here. madoka magica is a formative year thing for me now i guess, feels surreal to think about. so is homura akemi. i guess my brain is always mushy and will stick to characters like this

09/09/2023 didnt think id write a diary entry today, but i am. thinking about art yet again... a good friend of mine told me about his circulating thoughts, about me and my art, and his art. i feel happy about it, though i feel cruel for that thought abit... its complicated. point is it did start a new endless thought stream about art... again! people have said my art is distinctive to me, it makes me happy. i didnt get it at first, because in first view my art just seems like anime artstyle whatever... i realized now its probably about the art itself rather than the style. socialmedia branding everything everything has kind of shitbrained me into thinking distinct artStyles matters That much. style is whatever. style comes out of consequence of what you intend for your art. you will be an accumulation of the art you rly liked visually.... but the contents... im having a hard time putting this into words now. i saw this artist. they had beautiful bodies drawn. it wasnt realistic or super proportionate or whatever, at first glance it wasnt mind boggingly pleasant to look at. but it was lovely. it was something you could tell they really just wanted to draw. because they had to. pure pleasure-chasing self indulgent hedonistic art. its beautiful to me. fanwork like this is so so so so beautiful to me. art you make because you couldnt rest if you didnt... and art you make because you were bored and just doodling. one art piece from an artist isnt enough. i get to know their Self from their Indulgence through seeing and interacting with their art 10k times over. see them again and again and the different ones and paired together and again... i dont know, i want to like everything about my art. including the process. everything. this world will be bearable through it... i will make it so... lalalala

08/09/2023 teachers are gay

07/09/2023 pouring thoughts again... stringing things into words. thinking about art mainly. as always i am. an artist i admired talked about how its important to write about and with what youre familiar with. matikhluk is that for me. comics is a medium im familiar with... mostly bcz i grew up with it as many did. theres other mediums i tried my hand in but i don't have the same sentimental attachment to like comics. animation and visual novels to name a few. i realized the focus on just dialogue and just images in comics was perfect for me. im no good with prose and brain narration... i just dont have it in me. comics are nice. i can make it as i go. i dont have a talent for it, i just do it because i feel the need to. thats the art i want to make these days, the ones i feel i need to. if i dont want to make the art, i wont... which is a good process for my brain. used to just make fanart with no love in it, and id have no attachment to the fanart, and id have no thoughts about it. i just drew to drew it. fanart is beautiful because you felt moved and your connection to what youre a fan of. you want to see more of it. you want to describe what you felt when you interacted with it... through art... fanfiction fanart... ive been moved to very intense emotions just from fanwork. and im always happy when people feel the same about my fanwork. i feel the key to this is the familiarity the viewer has with the character. it adds to how theyd view the character... thats fanwork... even though its a double edged sword. my point is familiarity. original work. ive grown up in fandom and such... and a lot of the work i admire happen to be fanwork! so trying to replicate the feeling of familiarity you get with fanwork and put it in original work... it is hard. i dont know if i realize thats what ive been trying to do. familiarity. i thought about this more because someone told me the comics felt unsettling yet familiar! and i felt happy to hear, especially the familiar part. the word sounds like family! it is like someone you know! i want people to understand these characters like that. like how i feel when i see certain fanwork. i think like.. wow... this person... understands this person i know! its weird and cheesy, to have a fictional character Feel Real to you, but i feel it. not real like existing as a person in real life... more that you can imagine them, what theyd do, you know them, youre familiar with them. i want to familiarize my characters with you. building a person, someone familiar... writing it down makes it real now, which means im now cursed to either fail or succeed in this. but i wanted to write about my thoughts. it will be hard. i really want to do it though. i dont have a theme for matikhluk. i think i just wanted it to be about people you know... by you i mean me. sorry. it is all very... me-centric... i guess the problem would be that theres many people, that i know and am familiar with, i have to write about the things that they do that i dont know. i have to do it for my characters. i Will do it. for the sake of my characters... to build their brain, you know? i want them to live too... lani would wish she was a fictional character, so that she could have balanced flaws and goodsides, so that people could relate to her and point to her and say i am you and you are me, and we skip all the boring parts. shes having her dream come true because shes not real. i want them to live as characters that you know. im going in circles--but you know... ive run out of things to say...

05/09/2023 my fucking stomach hurts... so does my head a bit. anyways that is besides the point. it is getting more and more dreadful to think about. i should stop dumping so much here since its public but whatever. my meds make me sleepy are they causing memory loss or is it my chronically onlineness thats causing that. feels like my brain is deteriorating soemtimes. i want to draw to be honest just anything, my dreams even. my dreams are kind of vulgar and weird sometimes and i dont want to deal with it. my stomach hurts and my body is uncomfortable and my skin itches all the damn time. olyshit . dude . this diaryshit is getting serious... my stomach actually hurts a bit now. its less that it hurts but more phantompain and the intent to stab it is like rly strong rn. intrusivethoughts. one day this will all be a pleasant memory

04/09/2023 good day all~~to be honest this website is more of a dumping ground than anything haha. its like my smushed bug to matikhluk.neocities.org's more polished and helpful going-on... thats because i want people to see matikhluk first before this one perhaps? i want people to see my art first... if i had a project i'd like for people to think of first when they think of my art, it'd be matikhluk. but that might be current bias. maybe one day in the future i'll grow to hate it... try to destroy it... i never know. i think being able to add things onto it is helping me a lot more. i like making self-contained one shot projects like the meteor comic or jesus vn too, but since they're mostly medium experimenting, ts hard for me to not end up hating the finished piece long after i signed it off as done :( that could be me rushing things too. me viewing matikhluk as more of a forever-project means it will never be done to me, and i will also spend more time with it ^_^. those bite-sized projects i had, they were moreso there to send a feeling, one feeling to your body. thats weird! i dont regret doing them, but i wouldnt be able to read them again lol. thats why i will not link them here... maybe i should..... maybe i will regret all the projects i made on these years.... this dilemma! all this diarythoughts-writing is getting me confused. i came here to blog about matikhluk. because ive mostly been thinking about them all day. self indulgence gets weird. back then i wanted matikhluk to be a fun-for-me project, while also being a perfect story at the same time. honestly, i dont even really know what i want for it. i just have this set of characters glued in my brain. i had ideas for a fantasy story, something with trad indonesian culture. it ended up being the first rendition of mtkl's plot which i called samudera si malam, while not really being reminiscent of indonesian storytelling... because i draw more inspiration from western storytelling T_T not a bad or good thing to me, just how it is. when i pivoted to more modern indonesia as the setting, it got easier to write bite-sized dialogues for it, though the story is much less cohesive than the ssm ver, i could be more creative with it... ssm had a set start-middle-end. and i imagine to be easier to eat... and i still hold attachment for it. but im also still very fun-focused when it comes to my projects. ssm was stressful, because i wanted it to be perfect. so i pulled away from it :P. there was the visual novel mtkl i tried my hand at, which was the stupidest one. mostly because i tried writing a finished visual novel script while not even having an idea for anything in the story..... i still dont but, comics are less daunting to make than visual novels. i know art is more than "products" but i feel like when i make a visual novel, i should give the viewers a polished "product". maybe because it's a lot less easy to open and read. as im writing this im planning on changing my diary layout lol... anyways. mtkl is now simply a girlslove in modern indonesia~~yay(confetti). turns out fantasy stuff is harder to write @_@, and i love focus on characters more. the bits are fun.... i would probably try to do better with comic composition, rther than being stupidlazy..... also i did it haha i changed the diary layout ^_^ it is cleaner now. i also added mobile sizes.... well..........this was a long diary entry. thats all

01/09/2023 new month ahahahaha!!!!! recently i put codes in matikhluk site to make it more mobile-friendly. but i wont do that for kiamat.neocities.org.... idk why i just dont feel like it. hahaha... i feel like im giving up on painting. digital and trad. idk why i just find it hard to derive joy from it. its unlike making comics that u have to put it into the brushstrokes, all of u. but im fucking lazy lol... i lied when i said i didnt like words. i think words are useful. but its even better paired with visuals so i love comics. but words are gay sometimes too? well i mean thats natural. everything is multifacteded//... anyways painting... composition and stuff. um. its starting to be less fun for me. i think its cz i tried to put everything into it for matikhluk when i barely had it figured out. but it was less intimidating bcz for it atleast it stayed vague and i could retcon parts of it in my head~~cz nobody knew about those parts anyways. its different from comics. u have to be honest and also concise in ur comics. or else it sucks. then if u wanna change a part of it its like WTF... u get me? i want to be able to have fun when i draw again, maybe just rollwith it... if i dont have fun painting then i can just not paint. ezpz. i had fun when i was in a frenzy drawing my favorite characters from shitmedia after a deprestive episode somewhere. i was like this is so great and i couldnt stop myself from drawing. cel shading is ok simplistic colors too. maximum fun is my goal in art. whatever stimulates my brain is the goal. sounds stupid and childish but thats if i dont enjoy making it id keep dying over and over... anything for enjoyment in art ukno?