26/08/2023 im sick rn and my throat is fucked up. ive been doing matikhluk stuff lately ♫ yay ♫ i also am trying to traditional paint... in hopes of improving like that. whew. its been weird. my body is uncomfortable at all times. idk if i want to leave indonesia or not but dont tell any1 i said that cz it dosent makes sense. this country is fucked sideways but idk if i can expect anything from other countries. feel like im not owed. i mean nationalism yk. everyones a nationalist here. even i feel it sometimes... even tho it doesnt make sense. ondel ondel on roller skates shit like that it makes you think wow! and all the people at school i dont talk to. the gay rights movement in indonesia. gay art in indonesia. i cant help but be pessimist about it. im typing whatever now because i dont believe people read these. if ur reading this and ur indonesian.. okay. indonesia makes no room sometimes. maybenot sometimes. and its not just gay people. whewww its weird out here.
second thing// i have slightly different thoughts now/. thinking about my internet upbringing and also how people function on it and how i function. i know what i dont and do care about. its hard to believe the way people operate morals on the internet usually. maybe its my hedonistic brain. i want to believe my thoughts arent evil and what gives me thrill isnt horrible but how do i know that if not other people... how much can u trust other peoples knowledge n judgement of u? i want to believe im not disgusting or gross. its either tell me that it has nothing to do with ME as the ME or just try to repress... i;ll probably get over this by 3 years but. its kind of stupid... like its an obvious answer to many... everyone is different............. i dont know how much i care about this if not my unsure feelings abt how long my friendships will last. sounds weird to rly type out.

11/08/2023 i feel fcking gay... um... ocs mean some shit to me..... wish i could put them together like clearly with no fear with my full ass and heart. i mean i ciould. im so bored all the time. HUFFHFUFHFUHFUFHFUFUFUFFF. writing things down about li(me) and lya(girl who does not exist)... okay... they hold each other at night eyes wide open not making a sound... li falls asleep first always. do angels sleep? maybe lya does um... li is crying. just thought about naming li my real name and i felt so weird so i wont do tat. acually maybe i should. hm i will consider this

10/08/2023 im fuckig dying

07/08/2023 first thing/// decided to reset the diary/blog. the file for my old blog entries still exist somewhere because id regret otherwise. i dont know who im talking to when i write these. i feel bad today. i dont know whats best for my art, i think thats easier to focus on. my person is okay, i know this, i dont have to worry about that. but my art is shifty to me. matikhluk i feel like i try to hard in it, i think i should have more fun in it. i dont get pleasure out of thinking about the matikhluk girls recently, though that could be because of burnout. is that naturl? theyre dear to me. something is wrong about how i approach them. i try to separate myself into 3 people thru them and it used to be easier to process my emotions thru art that way. and im scared thru li i'll slip into thinking im some kind of fiction in fictional world. actually im kind of OK with that. maybe i need to start rolling with me as one dog(person)(dog) and other characters not being me and being OK with that. i think ive been doing this all wrong.
second thing/// i feel a sense of dread right like right now... been thinking about the storys im severely attached to and the art i enjoy. theyre separate somehow. well not rly. like a venn diagram. realizing now i cant call the things im attached to "good" by my standards. not even good for my health. but i just am attached to them. i guess it doesnt really matter how much i try, there are these characters i see more vividly than others, like they are people to me, in my brain, to me. i see them too vividly to be detached. THE END to that i guess.